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November 14, 2011
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Lone Candle Page 7 by Zucca-Xerfantes Lone Candle Page 7 by Zucca-Xerfantes
We see the male students introduced and get to the crux...

Liz knows much about Aries and she's ready to begin the story!

Hold on to your hats, kiddies, the prologue is over and the time for the tale is nigh!

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:iconcutemute34:
cutemute34 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye on this! >:D
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:iconmbk606:
Mbk606 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm Mbk606, and I know that the old lady knows even more than she's letting on!
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:iconmechawolfie:
MechaWolfie Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011
This is interesting, to say the least, but I have to say the dialogue seems unnatural and rushed. When I'm reading it I get the feeling they're just blurting out their names and random trivia. There's no real fluidity that would be present in natural conversation.

But the art is good, and in any case you're setting a good mood for the story so far. I would just work on the dialogue a little more.
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:iconlord-godzilla:
Lord-Godzilla Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011
Sometimes the exposition just cannot be smoothly inserted into the storyline without sacrificing more of the art or style. I think it can be overlooked in this case.
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:iconmechawolfie:
MechaWolfie Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011
There are tricks in comic creation that allow for things like this. For instance, you could have split a single panel into multiple panels with bits of their faces and a simple introduction with name. Then the story could progress without the strange, early 90's bad-anime style half-explanation/introduction going on.
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:iconzucca-xerfantes:
Zucca-Xerfantes Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Finally a bit of honest critique!

My dialogue on this page was, yes, a tad rushed and wasn't in fact in the original script. It was pointed out that there should be a way to know the student's names and so I whipped this out.

But apart from this exchange, how would you rate the dialogue so far?
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:iconmechawolfie:
MechaWolfie Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011
Up until the "blurtieness" I'd give it an even 8/10 taking fluidity, topic progression, and an overall feeling of natural wording into consideration.

I've always considered you a really good writer, So a little comic book dialogue isn't something I'd think is a problem for you. That's why the strangeness of the last couple sheets stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
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